Brokenhearted

A deeply broken heart.

Brokenhearted.

That's how I would describe I am feeling.

As some of you may know, my nana died last week. It has been extremely tough, and I have had a hard time with it, and honestly the best way I can describe it is that I feel like my heart's broken. And I guess, in many ways, it is. I mean, if we can say we have a "broken heart" over some silly little boy or girl that we have known for a short period of time, even more so should we have broken hearts when a family member- someone who we have loved our entire lives, and is really a part of us- has left us. That is what is truly a broken heart. It's losing a part of who you are.

My nana's name was Celia Abril. She was an incredible woman, who had a tough life, and had a very strong will and spirit in life. Growing up she would come and stay with my family for months out of every year. She was my love and joy growing up. When she would stay with us she would sleep in my bed with me, and I would make her go to sleep with me when I had to go to bed. We would lie awake talking, and staring at the ceiling, and I would try to teach her to count in English (because she spoke very little English), and she would help me with my Spanish. On summer afternoons we would walk to the yogurt shop, which was one of my favorite things to do. I loved those butterscotch chips. Growing up I was responsible for the aluminum cans that we would recycle, and as long as I helped, I would get the money when we turned them in. My nana knew this, so she and I would walk the block down the park, and we would collect aluminum cans that people left from their picnics. I remember the thrill I would get when we would find a big pile of them. I remember she would bring nuts still in the shells, and we would sit on the park bench cracking them open and eating them. Every afternoon she had her coffee, and ...

Phew, had to take a breather there. I'm determined not to bawl my eyes out tonight...

OK as I was saying...Ah yes, every afternoon she had her coffee on the back porch of our house, and she would put SO much sugar in it, it was basically a caffeinated liquid candy bar. So naturally I loved it. I remember being about 5 years old, and standing outside with her on the back porch, and her giving me little teaspoons of coffee. I loved that.

I remember she loved the ocean. We would go to this beach in Mexico growing up, and she would be out there, sitting by the water. Just relaxing and just enjoying her surroundings. She loved the water.

OK too late, the tears can't be held back, but I'm determined to get this written...

When you would go to her house, or when she would stay with us, she was often in the kitchen, cooking tortillas, or a variety of other delicious foods. She would ask you what you wanted to eat, tortillas, frijoles, albondigas, tamales... I always told her that she needed to teach me to make tamales, because I loved them, and she made the best. My mom also said that she wanted to learn, because even though my mom can make basically any other Mexican food dish, she never learned tamales. So my Nana said she would teach me, and unfortunately it was always "oh you can teach me next time you're in town..." I never learned. She got sick before she could teach me. The thought of that just makes my heart ache, the opportunity I lost.

The last few months were true to my Nana's life: tough. The end wasn't easy. My Nana had a stroke a few years ago. It barely effected her, so little in fact that she denied that she ever had one. She said the doctors must have misdiagnosed it. Over a year ago she had a massive stroke, one that really swept her off her feet. She was wheel chair bound, and could no longer take care of herself. It was really tough seeing her like that, because I knew it frustrated her. Her body had failed her, and no longer allowed her to be strong. Physically or emotionally. A few months ago she had a massive stroke, which changed her once again. She really didn't know where she was, but she was so sublimely happy, that it made us all happy for her. Wherever she was, she was having fun. We all thought that she must think she was 30 years old again, the way she was talking about the male paramedics. :-) She also would tell people that she had been to the beach in Mexico, and not to worry about her. I'm glad that's where her mind had taken her. She had a few strokes after that, but a couple weeks ago she had the stroke that took her away from us. Her nurses said that this stroke had taken away "the smile", which she had been known for. We no longer could understand her when she spoke, and things were just really bad and sad. I'll spare the details, but I'm glad that I was able to see her a few days before she died, and that I was able to hold her hand, kiss her forehead, and stroke her still beautiful hair.

I know that she is resting right now, and being a life long student of the Bible, I have a very real and positive hope. I am so grateful for the scriptures that comfort and tell me the hope for dead loved ones, it really makes the sting of death less painful.

John 5:28, 29 - "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out..."

Thanks to Jesus, he paid the price for us all, so we have the prospect of living forever on paradise on earth - God's original and still purpose for us -
1 Corinthians 15:21,22: "For since death is through a man, resurrection of the dead is also through a man. For just as in Adam all are dying, so also in the Christ all will be made alive." Jesus bought back the prospect for us to truly live again.

Revelation 21:1,3,4: "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the former heaven and the former earth had passed away...With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: 'Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them. And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.'"

I am looking forward the seeing "the former things" having passed away. Very much. I am also looking forward to seeing my Nana again, this time young and in perfect health, without the horrible physical pains she endured.

I've got plans for walks to the yogurt shop, and taking sipps of sugary coffee on the back porch...